Month: March 2014

Man Buys Board Games, Plays Them Alone

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Local area 20-something Robert “Bob” Fleisher considers himself to be a board game connoisseur. While attending a get-together with a childhood friend and several of his closest acquaintances in 2007, he played his first game of Settlers of Catan, often considered a “gateway game” to the wide world of alternative table-top entertainment, and was instantly hooked. “It was so much fun,” says Fleisher. “I grew up on games like Monopoly and Clue, but this was a whole different level.”

After playing his first game, in which Fleisher came in third place (of four), he insisted on another round, wherein he built a strategy centering on development cards, the Largest Army bonus, and monopolizing the precious ore resource spaces. At 11:18PM, he was officially declared the winner. “It was such a rush. I personally couldn’t wait to play again, but everyone else said they were pretty tired.”

Fleisher’s enthusiasm failed to wane. The next day, he immediately went to his nearest Barnes and Noble and purchased his own copy of the game ($49.99 retail). Since then, he has amassed a collection of over 100 different games and expansions from all over the world, essentially a small fortune of paper, dice, and cardboard in his studio apartment in Glendale.

Sadly, however, Fleisher has yet to play any of these games with other human beings. “No one seems to really have the time or interest, which is too bad, because board games are such a great way to meet new people and socialize.”

Though this has yet to happen in Fleisher’s case, his skills remain sharper than ever in case the opportunity should ever arise. “I like to set up games and just play them by myself, try out new strategies. I mean, they’re an investment, really. I’ve got to get my money’s worth out of them.”

In the meantime, Fleisher tries to put himself in the mindset of his would-be friends/opponents, often discussing potential moves out loud to himself. “If I can ever convince anyone else to play Stone Age or Agricola or Caylus, they’re bound to be pretty impressed by my eye for worker placement and resource management.”

Perhaps someday he’ll find a worthy adversary with a keen appreciation for complex rule sets and tactical planning. Until then, Fleisher will content himself with honing his formidable abilities and railing against the menial and arbitrary nature of the exceedingly popular Cards Against Humanity to his aging cat.

 

Published by Jimmy Pember 3/26/14

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Hardworking Woman Presses Elevator Button After It’s Already Lit

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SAN FRANSISCO, CA –Hardworking and passionate businesswoman Lydia Collins showcases her drive and talent wherever she goes, especially when she’s in an elevator. “Most of the time, people are going to the same floor I am going to and the button is already lit, but that doesn’t stop me from pressing it again.” This also happens with Lydia when she’s pressing the up or down elevator button in her office and even crosswalk buttons. “I just feel that maybe the elevators will move faster if I press the button. After all, I haven’t gotten where I am in life without pushing myself ahead. People really listen to me, so I figure inanimate objects might too.”

Lydia has also voiced her opinion about people that press the button after she’s already pressed the button. “If I’m the first to press a button and then someone presses it after me, I have to press it again because it may have threw off the momentum of the machine. Nine times out of ten, we arrive to our floor faster when I take control of the situation. I’m pretty sure people want to thank me, but no one has ever said anything.”

Lydia can also be seen in at her job taking power naps, turning down people’s ideas, and often using words like “sweetie” and “honey” when beginning or ending sentences.

 

Published by Wendy Baroque on 3/24/14

 

 

10 Things You Have to Try Before You’re 26!

26 is the age when you start to get old and you’re expected to take responsibility for your own life. Everyone knows there are certain things you can and can’t do once you get to be a certain age. It’s just science!

1. Get Married

Right now, you’re still shaping your life; we get it. But, marriage is a great way to learn how to deal with someone other than yourself and acquire additional student loan/credit card debt. Who knows, you might end up with someone who can do your taxes. But, if that doesn’t work out, you could:

2. Get Divorced

As long as you get divorced before 26, society won’t think less of you. They’ll just say you were “young and foolish.” If you wait any longer, you’ll really have to commit and see this marriage through.

3. Blogging

The Internet isn’t as difficult to use anymore, believe it or not. Everyone should try blogging at least once in their life. Your opinion deserves to be heard, and you never know what cool jobs it could lead to. Blogs are a great way for people to find out how interesting you are outside of your Facebook statuses.

4. Cooking

There are so many resources available for young people to make their own food nowadays. You no longer have to live on a farm and grow you own food to cook. With great stores like Whole Foods, you can even get organic vegetables and rice milk. Pots and pans are easy to come by too and the stove could be used for more than just lighting your cigarettes.

5. Spending Your Entire Paycheck on a New Wardrobe

You’re young and before you reach 26 and get old, you should splurge and treat yourself. You have plenty of time to save money, but while you have the money get yourself brand-new clothes. No, we’re not talking clothes from TJ Maxx, we mean real clothes from reasonably priced stores like Urban Outfitters. You’ll thank yourself because now you’ll have good outfits for when you go to that cool dive bar.

6. Guys Get a Mohawk; Girls Shave One Side Of Your Head

Need I explain? No one over the age of 26 can pull this off. Do it now so people know you’re still hip and young.

7. Go Live in a Third World Country

You’re already young and broke, why not actually be amongst people that understand you? Stay there as long as you can, but when you do return, bring back some of that killer bud from those silly cartels.

8. Make Cocaine Brownies

If you’re like me, you hate putting anything up your nose. Get some cocaine and cook that shit into a brownie mix. Yeah there are a lot of calories, but you’ll be so wired, you’ll dance that shit right off.

9. Befriend a Homeless Person

We can’t afford charity, obviously. So this is the next best thing. Take them for rides, cook them meals with your newfound pots and pans, and ask them to help you with cleaning your apartment. This is great if you’re the ugly friend of your group and you want to feel better about yourself. Plus, it’s cheaper than a dog.

10. Drive Your Car In a Random Location Until You Run Out of Gas

This is a no-brainer. When your car runs out gas, whether it’s on a highway or at 3am on a deserted road, that’s the place you’re meant to explore.

Bonus:

11. Write for “Wry News.”

Because we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. But we might be on to something.

Man Who Learned The Guitar to “Pick Up Girls” Finally Gets a Girlfriend

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RALEIGH, NC – Victor Kovack of North Carolina has been persuaded by pop-culture that women love a man who plays guitar.  “According to my favorite movies and TV shows, girls would always flock to guys with a guitar, that’s when I decided to learn to play in College.” Victor practiced learning all of the best acoustic songs, including “Brown Eyed Girl,” “Wonderwall,” and a variety of Jack Johnson songs. “I figured if I played on the common grounds of my University that I would get so much ass, but no one ever noticed me. Something wasn’t adding up.” This is when Victor decided to write his own songs and perform live.

“I would write original/heartfelt songs about these girls’ eyes being like the stars and shit like that, but I almost felt like it went over their head.” This is when Victor met Sandy in their astronomy class. “One day, I just borrowed her notes when I missed class for an open mic night. I ended up asking her to be study partners so I could “practice” the guitar while we studied, but people who study at the library apparently hate music, so she never got to hear me play.”

Victor and Sandy ended up hitting it off without him ever getting a chance to play for her. When asked if he still plays the guitar, he says: “Naw. I just don’t see the point in playing anymore now that I have a girlfriend.” Victor claims that he was about to resort to buying an electric guitar and starting a band right before Sandy walked into his life. “It was perfect timing because I was not wanting to learn scales. It was hard enough learning chords other than G, C, D, and A.”

Netflix to Move Into Other Industries Because Their Competition is Sitting at Home watching Netflix

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LOS GATOS, CA. In a bold move, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings plans to grow the company into an empire that not only caters to instant gratification of today’s media consumption, but also industries like Gourmet Coffee, Fast Food, Grocery Items, and possibly Construction.

“We want to strike while the iron is hot. We often hear the phrase ‘binging on Netflix’ and after some serious case studies, we realize most of our competition is taking part in this” claims Reed. “Our opportunities are endless when you think about it. We could be the purveyor of everything you consume in your life.”

Reed feels like most of the employees of companies like Starbucks, McDonalds, Chevy, and local Grocery Stores all count the minutes until their shift ends so they can eat dinner on the couch, put on Netflix, and watch their favorite Cult Movies, TV Shows like Breaking Bad, and even Netflix’s own original programming like Orange is the New Black. “If this is the case, we have to take advantage of this before people realize how much time they are wasting and they start getting productive again.”

Netflix’s first test market will be with their new Frozen Pizza called ‘Movie ‘Za.’ “How cool will it be when you’re watching Netflix and eating a Netflix made pizza?” asks Reed. “We’re hoping this is the first step into becoming a major player in the food market. If this is a success, you can expect a Coffee brand from us, and then hopefully a Fast Food Chain that delivers food to your door in less than 5 minutes. Basically, we never want anyone to have to to leave their house or apartment again.”

Reed seems confident in Netflix’s move though he’s not entirely sure if the executives of these companies are sitting at home watching Netflix, it might just be the everyday hourly paid employees.

25 Year Old College Graduate Eats Ramen Noodles and Parties Every Weekend

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Pittsburgh, PA – Gary Burns graduated college almost four years ago this May, but that doesn’t stop him partying every weekend. “Has it really been that long?” asks Gary. “House parties tend to dissipate after you graduate, so I go out to clubs and bars every weekend instead. It’s pretty much the same thing.” Gary can’t seem to let one other college habit go, and that’s eating Ramen Noodles. “It’s not like I want to eat Ramen, I just can’t afford to eat anything else. I mean my degree got me a great job that pays well, but I can only afford to eat Ramen for some reason.”

Gary said sometimes he drops around anywhere from $200 to $300 a night at the clubs on drinks, and bottle service if his friends join him, but he can’t really afford a decent meal. “My friends all didn’t get good jobs like I did, so they can’t afford to have as much fun as I do every weekend.” When asked if he thinks his friends still eat Ramen Noodles, he replies, “No, because they still live with their parents. I actually have bills to pay.”

But there is light in the end of the tunnel for Gary, he says he’s due for a promotion in a few months, and that he’ll finally be able to afford to make changes to his lifestyle. “Once I get a raise, I think I’ll be able to afford to take monthly trips to Vegas. I hear the party scene there is off the hook.”