26 is the age when you start to get old and you’re expected to take responsibility for your own life. Everyone knows there are certain things you can and can’t do once you get to be a certain age. It’s just science!
1. Get Married
Right now, you’re still shaping your life; we get it. But, marriage is a great way to learn how to deal with someone other than yourself and acquire additional student loan/credit card debt. Who knows, you might end up with someone who can do your taxes. But, if that doesn’t work out, you could:
2. Get Divorced
As long as you get divorced before 26, society won’t think less of you. They’ll just say you were “young and foolish.” If you wait any longer, you’ll really have to commit and see this marriage through.
The Internet isn’t as difficult to use anymore, believe it or not. Everyone should try blogging at least once in their life. Your opinion deserves to be heard, and you never know what cool jobs it could lead to. Blogs are a great way for people to find out how interesting you are outside of your Facebook statuses.
There are so many resources available for young people to make their own food nowadays. You no longer have to live on a farm and grow you own food to cook. With great stores like Whole Foods, you can even get organic vegetables and rice milk. Pots and pans are easy to come by too and the stove could be used for more than just lighting your cigarettes.
5. Spending Your Entire Paycheck on a New Wardrobe
You’re young and before you reach 26 and get old, you should splurge and treat yourself. You have plenty of time to save money, but while you have the money get yourself brand-new clothes. No, we’re not talking clothes from TJ Maxx, we mean real clothes from reasonably priced stores like Urban Outfitters. You’ll thank yourself because now you’ll have good outfits for when you go to that cool dive bar.
6. Guys Get a Mohawk; Girls Shave One Side Of Your Head
Need I explain? No one over the age of 26 can pull this off. Do it now so people know you’re still hip and young.
7. Go Live in a Third World Country
You’re already young and broke, why not actually be amongst people that understand you? Stay there as long as you can, but when you do return, bring back some of that killer bud from those silly cartels.
8. Make Cocaine Brownies
If you’re like me, you hate putting anything up your nose. Get some cocaine and cook that shit into a brownie mix. Yeah there are a lot of calories, but you’ll be so wired, you’ll dance that shit right off.
9. Befriend a Homeless Person
We can’t afford charity, obviously. So this is the next best thing. Take them for rides, cook them meals with your newfound pots and pans, and ask them to help you with cleaning your apartment. This is great if you’re the ugly friend of your group and you want to feel better about yourself. Plus, it’s cheaper than a dog.
10. Drive Your Car In a Random Location Until You Run Out of Gas
This is a no-brainer. When your car runs out gas, whether it’s on a highway or at 3am on a deserted road, that’s the place you’re meant to explore.
11. Write for “Wry News.”
Because we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. But we might be on to something.