Month: May 2014

Study Shows Southern Californian Car Buyers Aren’t Upgrading to the Premium “Turn Signal” Packages


In a 2014 study, car buyers in Southern California aren’t upgrading to the premium “turn signal” packages when purchasing new vehicles. This study has collected data from 1939, when the turn signal was first available, through January of 2014. The report suggests that the declining upgrades might have something to do with buyers being afraid to multitask while driving. “I’m afraid to loosen my grip on my steering wheel to flick the turn signal switch. What if I lose control of my car?” claims Annabelle, who texted us her response while driving on the 405 Freeway. “Sure, I want to let people know that I’m stopped at in the middle of the road and holding up traffic because I’m turning left, but it’s not worth the risk.”

The report will be made available to the public next month and it will detail more statistics of the decline, including quotes from other car buyers who didn’t upgrade, as well as those who did upgrade. However, in the mean time, there is one controversial theory that leaked which suggests turn signals come equipped with all motor vehicles and people just aren’t using them because they don’t care to let other car drivers where the fuck they are going. But, there is no evidence to support this claim at the moment.


Man Who Drove Coworker to Airport Realizes that She Actually Won’t Love Him Forever.


WATERBURY, CT – 23 year old Cameron Greensley has come to the realization that despite his coworker Amanda telling him that she’ll “love him forever” if he drove her to the airport, that she really doesn’t even like him, let alone love him. “I actually haven’t spoken to her since I dropped her off that day. It kind of breaks my heart” explains Cameron. “She was in a desperate need for a ride to Bradley International Airport to go to Florida for her BFF’s Bachorlette Party, and that’s when she asked me if me if I could drive her to the airport when no one else could. We work together, so I thought this would be a chance for us to become better friends.” Cameron said she’s been back almost a month and that she hasn’t asked him for another favor. “I don’t know why? I think I did a pretty good job driving her. She got there safe and sound, and even two hours before her flight left, like airports recommend.”


Everyone has a best friend forever, or a “BFF,” if you will.  But how do we know that she is going to be your BFF forever? Well here is an EPIC list that only people that have BFF’s forever will understand.  So, if you don’t understand the list, chances are you are someone who has a BFF, but she probably wont be the type of BFF that will be your best friend forever, so get rid of that bitch fast.


  1. You both call each other some form of the word bitch.  The bitch term needs to be altered to some form of “biatch, beotch, betch, etc.”.   If she actually calls you bitch then she def isn’t going to be your BFF forever.  LOVE YA BETCH!


  1. She gets jealous if you have a boyfriend or other BFF’s.  Jealousy is a must amongst BFF’s.  If she isn’t jealous then that means she doesn’t care and more than likely isn’t your BFF, therefore you must get rid of her.


  1. Only true BFFs don’t get mad at each other for talking to the same match on Tinder.  Nothing beats staying up late with your BFF and swiping the night away.  It shows that you are concerned about each others dating lives and that’s a must for a BFF.


  1. Be fabulous together.  If you and your BFF aren’t fabulous then you probably wont last, and you must find someone else.


  1. Get white girl wasted with each other.  You can’t be BFFs without a couple drunk screaming matches.  If your BFF hasn’t yelled at you in a drunken rage “I HOPE YOU GET HPV BEOTCH!”, then you don’t have that unbreakable bond  all BFFs have, in which case you should probably get rid of her.


  1. Tell each other that they are fabulous.  Because it’s not just enough to be fabulous, you and your BFF need constant reassurance that you are fabulous, especially when you’re getting double teamed.


  1. Gossip behind your back.  As a girl, I know firsthand that we can be total bitches sometimes.  Gossiping is just part of a girls life.  Hopefully you and your BFF are already gossiping together, but if your BFF isn’t gossiping about you then you know you just have an average friend, and you should probably get rid of her.


  1. Has sex with your ex- boyfriend.  BFFs want you to get over your past relationship.  What better way to help you get over your dickhead ex-boyfriend than to find out he banged your BFF? Now you have the motivation that you need in order to never talk to that lying scumbag ever again.



Published by Sammy “the” Bull.