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Facebook Rolls Out New “Pro Plans” Starting at $19.99/month

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MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced his plans for the Facebook Pro Plan* which will separate the basic daily users from the actual die-hard social networkers. “It’s not about the money” claims Zuckerberg, “It’s more about the new features we’ve created that the general public would complain about if it were free. We really want to create a class of people that are serious about their social networking and aren’t just doing it because it is trendy.”

The first plan will start at $19.99/month, or $200.00 upfront for the year and have these new features:

Nudity

There will no longer be restrictions on the types of photos you want to upload. If you just got a boob job/Prince Albert and want to show the world how it looks, you are free to do so without one of your friends hitting the “report” button.

Food/Baby Photo Filtering

You will never have to see another picture of someone’s food or baby again. This includes videos and marriage engagement announcements. The filter will also have an option to only see pictures of cats people post.

Friends List up to 20,000 people

You will no longer be restricted to 5,000 friends; you will be able to now share your private information with 20,000 of your closet friends.

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The second plan will be 39.99/ month, or $400 upfront for the year and have the same new features as the first plan including:

No Privacy

There’s no such thing as personal privacy with the highest pro-plan. Are you trying to track one of your ‘friends’ down but can’t get a hold of them? Now you can know exactly where they are at all times.

Unlimited Friends

You’re so popular that you should have a fan page, but you don’t want to give up seeing what your friends are sharing.

Multiple Identities

If someone is stalking you with the new no privacy feature, just switch to a new identity you create without having to lose your friends list (sponsored by the U.S. Government’s Witness Protection Agency).

You will be able to subscribe to these plans beginning September 2014. 

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Study Shows Southern Californian Car Buyers Aren’t Upgrading to the Premium “Turn Signal” Packages

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In a 2014 study, car buyers in Southern California aren’t upgrading to the premium “turn signal” packages when purchasing new vehicles. This study has collected data from 1939, when the turn signal was first available, through January of 2014. The report suggests that the declining upgrades might have something to do with buyers being afraid to multitask while driving. “I’m afraid to loosen my grip on my steering wheel to flick the turn signal switch. What if I lose control of my car?” claims Annabelle, who texted us her response while driving on the 405 Freeway. “Sure, I want to let people know that I’m stopped at in the middle of the road and holding up traffic because I’m turning left, but it’s not worth the risk.”

The report will be made available to the public next month and it will detail more statistics of the decline, including quotes from other car buyers who didn’t upgrade, as well as those who did upgrade. However, in the mean time, there is one controversial theory that leaked which suggests turn signals come equipped with all motor vehicles and people just aren’t using them because they don’t care to let other car drivers where the fuck they are going. But, there is no evidence to support this claim at the moment.

Man Who Drove Coworker to Airport Realizes that She Actually Won’t Love Him Forever.

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WATERBURY, CT – 23 year old Cameron Greensley has come to the realization that despite his coworker Amanda telling him that she’ll “love him forever” if he drove her to the airport, that she really doesn’t even like him, let alone love him. “I actually haven’t spoken to her since I dropped her off that day. It kind of breaks my heart” explains Cameron. “She was in a desperate need for a ride to Bradley International Airport to go to Florida for her BFF’s Bachorlette Party, and that’s when she asked me if me if I could drive her to the airport when no one else could. We work together, so I thought this would be a chance for us to become better friends.” Cameron said she’s been back almost a month and that she hasn’t asked him for another favor. “I don’t know why? I think I did a pretty good job driving her. She got there safe and sound, and even two hours before her flight left, like airports recommend.”

8 WAYS THAT YOU KNOW YOUR BFF WILL BE YOUR BFF FOREVER

Everyone has a best friend forever, or a “BFF,” if you will.  But how do we know that she is going to be your BFF forever? Well here is an EPIC list that only people that have BFF’s forever will understand.  So, if you don’t understand the list, chances are you are someone who has a BFF, but she probably wont be the type of BFF that will be your best friend forever, so get rid of that bitch fast.

 

  1. You both call each other some form of the word bitch.  The bitch term needs to be altered to some form of “biatch, beotch, betch, etc.”.   If she actually calls you bitch then she def isn’t going to be your BFF forever.  LOVE YA BETCH!

 

  1. She gets jealous if you have a boyfriend or other BFF’s.  Jealousy is a must amongst BFF’s.  If she isn’t jealous then that means she doesn’t care and more than likely isn’t your BFF, therefore you must get rid of her.

 

  1. Only true BFFs don’t get mad at each other for talking to the same match on Tinder.  Nothing beats staying up late with your BFF and swiping the night away.  It shows that you are concerned about each others dating lives and that’s a must for a BFF.

 

  1. Be fabulous together.  If you and your BFF aren’t fabulous then you probably wont last, and you must find someone else.

 

  1. Get white girl wasted with each other.  You can’t be BFFs without a couple drunk screaming matches.  If your BFF hasn’t yelled at you in a drunken rage “I HOPE YOU GET HPV BEOTCH!”, then you don’t have that unbreakable bond  all BFFs have, in which case you should probably get rid of her.

 

  1. Tell each other that they are fabulous.  Because it’s not just enough to be fabulous, you and your BFF need constant reassurance that you are fabulous, especially when you’re getting double teamed.

 

  1. Gossip behind your back.  As a girl, I know firsthand that we can be total bitches sometimes.  Gossiping is just part of a girls life.  Hopefully you and your BFF are already gossiping together, but if your BFF isn’t gossiping about you then you know you just have an average friend, and you should probably get rid of her.

 

  1. Has sex with your ex- boyfriend.  BFFs want you to get over your past relationship.  What better way to help you get over your dickhead ex-boyfriend than to find out he banged your BFF? Now you have the motivation that you need in order to never talk to that lying scumbag ever again.

 

 

Published by Sammy “the” Bull.

Man Runs Into Former Facebook Friend at a Party

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DALLAS – Twenty-Five Year Old Brian Dieter was at a party recently when he ran into former Facebook Friend Rebecca Cadwell, “Well, it was Rebecca Marie before Facebook accidently ended our friendship.” Brian met Rebecca at his friend’s get together and added her on the popular social networking site that exact same night. “We didn’t really talk the first time I met her, but we shared mutual friends, so I decided to send her a request, which she took about a week to accept” says Brian. “I saw her at a party last night and went to write on her wall and tell her it was nice running into her again, but we weren’t friends anymore.”  This is when Brian really got confused.

“I don’t know what went wrong? I think there’s a glitch in Facebook’s system that allowed this to happen. Everything was going right with our online networking. I was liking and commenting on her statuses constantly. I even went out of my way to go back to her pictures from years ago and like and comment on those too.” Brian also claims he didn’t speak to her at the party and she actually seemed to be avoiding him the entire night. “Maybe she thinks I deleted her or something and is really mad at me? I guess I can send her another friend request and send a complaint to Facebook HQ about their glitch. They need to fix it soon because who knows how many people this happened to. It makes for really awkward situations amongst our generation.”

12 Things Only Guys With Beautiful Heads of Hair Will Be Able to Truly Understand Beyond Anyone Else’s Comprehension.

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1. You wake up in the morning and you don’t have to do a goddamn thing but put on your unwashed jeans and brush your pearly whites.

2. Women are always trying to touch your hair, but you’d rather have your own natural oils be the sole reasoning your hair looks dirty.

3. The barber always wants to spend more time with you than your lunch break allows.

4. You want to get a nice buzz cut in the summer but your already balding friend gets angry at you because he has no other option but to shave his head.

5. Women are always staring at your hair and you constantly have to be like “Yo, my eyes are down here.”

6. Your boss fires you because your perfect genes are making him look bad to the rest of the company.

7. You’re constantly trying to figure out new hairstyles to gravitate toward because you pull off more trends than David fucking Beckham.

8.  However, you’d rather get a mullet than a Fohawk.

9. You might have a fantastic beautiful beard, but people never seem to get past your perfectly disheveled hair.

10. You can go days without washing your hair, and you only look better.

11. However, when you do wash your hair, you leave a beautiful smelling fragrance behind in every room you walk into that lasts for days.

12. You’ve washed your hands in a public restroom and used your hair as a drying mechanism because the place was out of paper towels.

 

Los Angeles Man Gives Back to City By Racking Up Parking Fines

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Los Angeles transplant, Henry Dupris, makes quite a lot of money between his three part-time jobs and sculpting business. “Rent and gas are so cheap here, I just can’t thank the city enough.” Dupris, who goes out of his way to park in the red zone, also makes sure to never feed the meters. “I just feel like, I make all this money, I don’t know what else to do with it.” Sometimes, Dupris won’t pay fines at all for months so he has to pay even more money to the city. “I think it’s fantastic that there’s so many parking restrictions. We don’t pay enough in taxes. The City does so much for us, and we do so little in return.” Dupris claims his next step is to get his car towed during the anti-gridlock zone hours but he’s currently restoring an old bicycle first so he can get to the impound lot. He’s also currently working with city officials on adding more parking restriction signs throughout Los Angeles neighborhoods.

Man Buys Board Games, Plays Them Alone

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LOS ANGELES, CA – Local area 20-something Robert “Bob” Fleisher considers himself to be a board game connoisseur. While attending a get-together with a childhood friend and several of his closest acquaintances in 2007, he played his first game of Settlers of Catan, often considered a “gateway game” to the wide world of alternative table-top entertainment, and was instantly hooked. “It was so much fun,” says Fleisher. “I grew up on games like Monopoly and Clue, but this was a whole different level.”

After playing his first game, in which Fleisher came in third place (of four), he insisted on another round, wherein he built a strategy centering on development cards, the Largest Army bonus, and monopolizing the precious ore resource spaces. At 11:18PM, he was officially declared the winner. “It was such a rush. I personally couldn’t wait to play again, but everyone else said they were pretty tired.”

Fleisher’s enthusiasm failed to wane. The next day, he immediately went to his nearest Barnes and Noble and purchased his own copy of the game ($49.99 retail). Since then, he has amassed a collection of over 100 different games and expansions from all over the world, essentially a small fortune of paper, dice, and cardboard in his studio apartment in Glendale.

Sadly, however, Fleisher has yet to play any of these games with other human beings. “No one seems to really have the time or interest, which is too bad, because board games are such a great way to meet new people and socialize.”

Though this has yet to happen in Fleisher’s case, his skills remain sharper than ever in case the opportunity should ever arise. “I like to set up games and just play them by myself, try out new strategies. I mean, they’re an investment, really. I’ve got to get my money’s worth out of them.”

In the meantime, Fleisher tries to put himself in the mindset of his would-be friends/opponents, often discussing potential moves out loud to himself. “If I can ever convince anyone else to play Stone Age or Agricola or Caylus, they’re bound to be pretty impressed by my eye for worker placement and resource management.”

Perhaps someday he’ll find a worthy adversary with a keen appreciation for complex rule sets and tactical planning. Until then, Fleisher will content himself with honing his formidable abilities and railing against the menial and arbitrary nature of the exceedingly popular Cards Against Humanity to his aging cat.

 

Published by Jimmy Pember 3/26/14

Hardworking Woman Presses Elevator Button After It’s Already Lit

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SAN FRANSISCO, CA –Hardworking and passionate businesswoman Lydia Collins showcases her drive and talent wherever she goes, especially when she’s in an elevator. “Most of the time, people are going to the same floor I am going to and the button is already lit, but that doesn’t stop me from pressing it again.” This also happens with Lydia when she’s pressing the up or down elevator button in her office and even crosswalk buttons. “I just feel that maybe the elevators will move faster if I press the button. After all, I haven’t gotten where I am in life without pushing myself ahead. People really listen to me, so I figure inanimate objects might too.”

Lydia has also voiced her opinion about people that press the button after she’s already pressed the button. “If I’m the first to press a button and then someone presses it after me, I have to press it again because it may have threw off the momentum of the machine. Nine times out of ten, we arrive to our floor faster when I take control of the situation. I’m pretty sure people want to thank me, but no one has ever said anything.”

Lydia can also be seen in at her job taking power naps, turning down people’s ideas, and often using words like “sweetie” and “honey” when beginning or ending sentences.

 

Published by Wendy Baroque on 3/24/14

 

 

10 Things You Have to Try Before You’re 26!

26 is the age when you start to get old and you’re expected to take responsibility for your own life. Everyone knows there are certain things you can and can’t do once you get to be a certain age. It’s just science!

1. Get Married

Right now, you’re still shaping your life; we get it. But, marriage is a great way to learn how to deal with someone other than yourself and acquire additional student loan/credit card debt. Who knows, you might end up with someone who can do your taxes. But, if that doesn’t work out, you could:

2. Get Divorced

As long as you get divorced before 26, society won’t think less of you. They’ll just say you were “young and foolish.” If you wait any longer, you’ll really have to commit and see this marriage through.

3. Blogging

The Internet isn’t as difficult to use anymore, believe it or not. Everyone should try blogging at least once in their life. Your opinion deserves to be heard, and you never know what cool jobs it could lead to. Blogs are a great way for people to find out how interesting you are outside of your Facebook statuses.

4. Cooking

There are so many resources available for young people to make their own food nowadays. You no longer have to live on a farm and grow you own food to cook. With great stores like Whole Foods, you can even get organic vegetables and rice milk. Pots and pans are easy to come by too and the stove could be used for more than just lighting your cigarettes.

5. Spending Your Entire Paycheck on a New Wardrobe

You’re young and before you reach 26 and get old, you should splurge and treat yourself. You have plenty of time to save money, but while you have the money get yourself brand-new clothes. No, we’re not talking clothes from TJ Maxx, we mean real clothes from reasonably priced stores like Urban Outfitters. You’ll thank yourself because now you’ll have good outfits for when you go to that cool dive bar.

6. Guys Get a Mohawk; Girls Shave One Side Of Your Head

Need I explain? No one over the age of 26 can pull this off. Do it now so people know you’re still hip and young.

7. Go Live in a Third World Country

You’re already young and broke, why not actually be amongst people that understand you? Stay there as long as you can, but when you do return, bring back some of that killer bud from those silly cartels.

8. Make Cocaine Brownies

If you’re like me, you hate putting anything up your nose. Get some cocaine and cook that shit into a brownie mix. Yeah there are a lot of calories, but you’ll be so wired, you’ll dance that shit right off.

9. Befriend a Homeless Person

We can’t afford charity, obviously. So this is the next best thing. Take them for rides, cook them meals with your newfound pots and pans, and ask them to help you with cleaning your apartment. This is great if you’re the ugly friend of your group and you want to feel better about yourself. Plus, it’s cheaper than a dog.

10. Drive Your Car In a Random Location Until You Run Out of Gas

This is a no-brainer. When your car runs out gas, whether it’s on a highway or at 3am on a deserted road, that’s the place you’re meant to explore.

Bonus:

11. Write for “Wry News.”

Because we don’t know what the hell we’re doing. But we might be on to something.