JENNIFER LAWRENCE FAKES RELATABLE PERSONALITY
America’s current sweetheart, Jennifer Lawrence, has won the hearts of millions around the world through an extremely precocious talent in the dramatic arts coupled with a delightfully relatable public personality. Fans have come to love Jennifer’s endearing bumbling, whether it’s shaking her arm fat at a camera, laughing obnoxiously, making crude jokes, or falling at times that would typically require regal composure. And the crowd loves it.
“It’s almost like she’s a real person,” said Susie, a fan of Jennifer Lawrence ever since she first fell at the 2013 Oscars. “I love how she makes mistakes at crucial times. She’s just like me! What I really appreciate though, is that she’s completely different then that wanna-be Anne Hathaway.”
Unfortunately, fans will be disappointed to hear that Ms. Lawrence has recently admitted to faking all of her public Tomfoolery.
“Yeah, it’s total bullshit. All of my actions are moves calculated by my publicist to make me seem more human and relatable, “ Lawrence admitted while sitting on a gold throne in the middle of her million dollar home.
“One, I hate those stupid jokes they make me say, but people seem to love them. I just spout off something totally inappropriate and then laugh at myself like a complete nerd. Throw in a silly little chortle or snort, and these idiots eat it up. Take a little spill while receiving your first Academy Award, and next thing you know, they’re kissing the very ground I walk on like I’m the queen of the world.”
When asked about her second fall at the Oscars in relation to the cone she tripped over, Jennifer scoffed. “They put that cone there. We rehearsed that shit like a dozen times before the actual event, and of course, people ate it up again. You think the same trick wouldn’t work twice, but never underestimate how dumb the majority of a celebrity fan base is. I would never actually trip on accident. Could you actually see this gorgeous goddess before you making a mistake of any sort? I’m as graceful as a ballerina, more brilliant than Steven Hawking, and I shame each and every one of you with my incomparable beauty. And don’t you ever forget it.”
A true PR visionary, Jennifer will assuredly be remembered for swindling the world into loving her. The only thing that will baffle this media mogul in the future is how we were dumb enough to ever believe her act in the first place, but then again, that’s the mark of a truly talented actress.
ACTOR DATES COMMON PEASANT
Famous actor, George Clooney, recently made a morally courageous move by dating someone of lower social status and overall worth.
After a long, successful career of high budget, blockbuster movies vindicated by a series of awards, Clooney has magnanimously decided to take a hiatus on dating celebrities.
“It’s not because I’m tired of dating other celebrities. Obviously having sex with other actresses is way better than dating normal people, but it’s not about that. I feel like my life has just gone really well, and I want to give back to the community.”
Clooney told us that giving money to charity had just gotten sort of “typical”.
“Giving to charity has just been done so many times. The act of giving to less fortunate people has pretty much lost its impact at this point, you know? It’s like, what’s the point in giving people money if the majority of the public isn’t in complete awe of how amazing and considerate a person you are?”
That’s why, after some deliberation, George came to the conclusion that the best way to give back was to date someone of a lesser status. So, one night, he put on a dashing suit and went out to meet someone lacking interest or appeal.
“I didn’t want to meet someone with money. I was looking for someone super common and middle class, so I grabbed some hand sanitizer and told my driver to drive me over to Mid City. Basically bum-fuck nowhere.”
“When I got to the bar, I went up to the most boring looking girl I could find. Someone who looked like she hadn’t had sex for at least a few months, which I believe is a long time for people,” George said, reminiscing on he and his love’s first encounter. “She immediately recognized me, and after I bought the bar for her, she eagerly went home with me. There, I showed her all my awards before giving her the pleasure of getting to fellate me in my study while I smoked a cigar.””
George and his girlfriend have now been dating for two months and they couldn’t be happier. “She seems pretty excited about it. I bet all her friends are really jealous,” George stated with confidence, “I don’t want to say I’m better than most people for doing this, but I wouldn’t mind being considered as some sort of martyr.”
When asked what her name was, George responded with: “Not sure… I think its Jenny, something with a ‘J’ in it? Does it matter?”
Published by Ronald Carlyle Johnson on 2/28/14